I grew up in the church. Believed everything in the bible. Consistently got born again over and over again, because I feared that I would sin and die, right before I had a chance to ask for forgiveness. I remember that the only thing I knew of the bible, was what had been said to me. I rarely even cracked it, because everything I needed to know was coming from the pastor’s mouth, so why bother.
I only started questioning when I came out as a gay and realized my story didn’t fit. I couldn’t be gay. I didn’t come from an abusive or broken home. I hadn’t been molested or treated in some way that would make me “turn gay”. But in an attempt to quell these feelings I realized that I should go to a bible study for those struggling with being gay. There I went week after week and shared as everyone else did. I eventually stopped going as I slowly realized that I wasn’t like these guys. These guys weren’t struggling with being gay, they were struggling with the lust for sex. They would do well, and then fall and meet up for random sex and the like. But I realized that wasn’t me. I didn’t want to have random sex. As crazy as it was, I wanted something similar to my parents. I wanted a long relationship that would ideally last my entire life.
This led me to start to research the 7 verses that are most often quoted in reference to homosexuality. I started to realize that these verses had controversy surrounding them, surrounding their interpretation and the hebrew words used and how they were translated differently in different parts of the bible. That some areas where it references homosexual sex, it’s referring to prostitution and similar types of things that are wrong in either straight or gay relationships. But that these references were generalized to all homosexuality, rather than specific instances. I mean if we take a verse that states that doing such and such in a heterosexual relationship is wrong to mean that all heterosexual relationships are wrong, how is that less rational than doing the same thing to gay people.
So I started researching and finding out more and more. Realizing that there were discrepancies in the bible. That led me to researching what exactly the bible said and realizing that the bible contains some gospels and does not include others. Which left me thinking why would they only include some, why not the rest? Why should such an important decision be made by someone else, why should I not be trusted with being able to view all the information available and then make an informed decision.
At that point I started to realize that a lot of what I’d been taught was based in ensuring ignorance. It was to listen to the pastor and repeat what he said if ever queried by anyone. Not to read outside texts, or research more, or even to listen to “secular” music. It made me mad that I felt like I had been taken advantage of when I was younger. That my youth had been exploited to make me believe something, to have that thing take root before I even had any clue about what spirituality was, other than watching what the adults did around me or telling me how I should feel and repeating like a good automaton.
That plus the initial question of why certains texts were omitted and what was included and reading that there were problems with interpretations of the bible hundreds of years ago led me to research what sort of discrepancies there were and looking into textual criticism of the bible. This led me to realize that the book we have today, very likely is hugely different from what was written years ago. Now, I’m all for spirituality, but spirituality based on a book that has been largely influenced by man and his views, and changes being made to ensure no conflict with church doctrine (how’s that for backwards) and the like, led me to realize that the bible was not something to be relied upon.
How could it? If, as a number of textual critics have indicated, “…the errors are as numerous as the words in the new testament.” What I would read. What I would base my faith and spirituality on. Was nothing more than a cobbled together group of books that contained little, if anything, of the original text.
I then started thinking about what this meant for my spiritual life. I started reading and realizing that to be spiritual doesn’t require a god. It doesn’t require a set of rules to live by. Social morality is enough to govern anyone, and that morality existed long before the bible came into being. It’s the rule that has always been around, even before it was referred to as the “Golden Rule”. I also realized that I can relate to people, share my experiences, help people, be giving and loving, and none of this required a god. Or for that matter a threat of neverending doom and torture if I don’t accept his unconditional love. (BTW, threatening hell is a condition)
Then I started reading more, watching the news, becoming informed. I realized that all sorts of people acting under the influence of various gods had done horrible things. I realized that they continue to do horrible things. I saw that they continue to spread ignorance even in this country. They segregate people and treat them like lepers. They spout things like intelligent design has as much proof as evolution, when the two have nothing to do with one another. But it’s what their pastor said, so because of that, it must be true. And they yell it, all the while never caring enough about their own faith, to test it.
I don’t get how knowledge and faith have to be diametrically opposed to one another.
“Have faith”, “Take it on Faith”, and the like were phrases I heard a lot as a kid. But what faith is there if the highly touted bible isn’t from god. What basis is there? Faith on what you used to believe before it was disproven? That’s just ignorance. So I can’t go back to that. I can only live and base my life on social morality. I can appreciate those around me and how I affect them, whethet positively or negatively and live a life to show others that life is amazing.
Tags: bible, gay, homosexual, info, Information, knowledge, Life, path, religion, research, story, straight, struggle, study
Paul Cox